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Wednesday, June 26th, 2002
2:11 pm - Fear
I don’t know what in the fuck is wrong with me. He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. He’s all these wonderful things, and so patient with me on top of everything. And I’m an emotional wreck. I’m a disaster. Why would he want to put himself through this? Why would anybody? Why is it that after everything I’ve been through, and have survived, and learned, and grown, I’m just now getting scared? I honestly don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to let go. I don’t know how to be the girlfriend that he more than deserves. I’ve been a terrible girlfriend my entire life. I worry too much. I think too much. I get on people’s nerves. I want to learn and grow with him for as long as I can, and I can’t get past myself. I’m scared. I’m scared I’ll fall and he won’t. I’m scared one of us will leave. I want to fall in love. I want to not worry about him so much. I want to not worry about me. I want to have faith. I want to have fun. I want to put everything else behind me and just be with him. I want to let go and enjoy the most incredible person I’ve ever known. But how? I’m still waiting for the answer.

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Wednesday, June 19th, 2002
5:54 pm - ~Arg!~
So I fell asleep last night around midnight, after spending another lovely few hours with my darling Stephen. (We went to West Hills Park and talked for 2.5 hours....sigh....) At 1:00, my phone rang. It was Chris, whom I haven't heard from in 3 or 4 weeks. He was out driving around with Dustin, and they wanted to know if they could come over! I tried to explain that it was late, I wasn't wearing any clothes, I was sleeping, I had to get up at 6:30....not to mention the fact that my parents are here, and would be royally pissed at me if they found out. I said I've done a lot of stupid shit in my life, and never gotten caught...I'm certainly not going to start now, because of him. We talked for a few minutes, and then he said, "Guess what. We're in your driveway." I couldn't believe his nerve! I told him they were just going to have to go find someone else to harrass, because I was not getting out of bed. I told him to call me back when it was daylight.

I'm sorry, but he had no business calling me at that hour. He knows I don't have the freedom to just get up and leave the house whenever I want to. I still have curfews, etc., and I have never been allowed to just get up and go in the middle of the night. And I'm certainly not going to sneak out to see Chris! Unbelievable.

Going to Cookeville with Chuck on Friday to see Andrew. How exciting....a trip in the new car, to eat at the Red Lobster in Cookeville. Woo hoo. I can hardly contain myself.

I think I need a nap...

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Monday, June 17th, 2002
10:31 pm
I'm feeling pretty good about myself right about now. I just spent a couple of hours hanging out with Stephen at Java. I got there before he did, and bought a piece of cake. The guy at the counter gave me a discount, and free water, and after I sat down, came over and asked me out. He was pretty cute, and seemed really shy. I felt bad telling him that I was waiting for my boyfriend (although I must admit it felt good to say that word!) I've still got it!!!!!! I've never been asked out by a complete stranger before; it's a strangely empowering thing. :)

But I adore Stephen. We've had some amazing talks the last few days, especially last night. I'm so close to falling for him. So very very very, immeasurably close. Sigh....so I've been reduced to my giddy-schoolgirl state. We make me sick sometimes. :)

Ah yes....I'm so good. So very very good.

current mood: flirty

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Sunday, June 16th, 2002
5:13 pm
I'm getting really bad at this. There will be a long update either tonight or tomorrow, I promise. There's always a lot going on. I hate typing; I guess I figured if anyone really wanted to know, they'd call....I have a hard time finding people when I want to. Anyway....not trying to guilt-trip anyone, I swear. I'll make the time.

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Sunday, May 5th, 2002
4:09 pm
Life isn't easy. Didn't we already know this already? This week, I've apologized too many time. I've apologized for who I am, for what I want, for what I believe is best for me. I've apologized for doing what makes me happy. Fuck it. I'm not doing this anymore. I'm done with trying to make everyone else happy first. I will no longer apologize for myself. If what I want doesn't work out, it will be OK, because I will have worked hard to have safe, reliable places to go. Friendship is more important than anything. More important than this guy or that one, more important than the faces that come and go under one guise or another.

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Thursday, April 25th, 2002
3:30 pm
I feel blank. Blank. Empty. Useless. Worthless, even. Why can't someone, somewhere, find it in their heart to love me? I give everything to everyone and no one ever thanks me. No one ever says, "What do you need? What can I do for you?" Yes, I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself, and I think I do a damn good job. But should I have to do this my entire life? Does it strike anyone else as odd that I should be so self-sufficient at this age? Isn't it wronge that I've been left no choice becaues I've been abandoned so many times? I want to live my life my own way - that's a given. But is it so wrong to want to share it with someone who understands? I'm tired. I'm tired of wanting. I'm tired of self-sacrifice. I'm tired of emptiness. I'm tired of beating myself up for needing. I'm tired of trying.

I don't know that anyone's ever loved me. "I love you...but...." is more like it. There's always one little thing not to his liking. Maybe I've never loved anyone....it's been too long. I don't remember. All I remember is pain. Waking up one day to find myself empty. Is this love? No one's ever loved me as an independent entity. I'm me, not part of something else.

I just want someone to take care of me. And not all the time - just when I need it. I want to know love without pain. There's always pain, but the kind I know isn't necessary. I don't want to be empty anymore.

"What do you need? What can I do for you?"
Love me. And tell me. Tell me it's Ok to want, to be afraid, to cry. Fill me up. Someone. Please.

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1:39 pm - Breathing is good....
Kicked ass on my music test....anthro test I'm not so sure....guess I can always take the final and drop this grade....getting ready to finish my English paper. Then I gotta go to the office, hopefully to put the finishing touches on the magazine. Gotta figure out how to get it to the printer's tomorrow. God I can't wait for the weekend....

I got this from one of my friends at school. It's gross, but mildly amusing....thought I'd share. :)

Why women are better than Michelin tires:

If the average man's erect penis is 6 inches, and the average length of intercourse is 15 minutes, and the average couple has intercourse 3 times per week, then we can logically conclude that a woman's vagina has one hell of a warrantee.

A full thrust shall be counted as one entire "in and out," which brings the thrust amount of penis that moves past the labia to 12 inches.

Assuming the average man keeps an average rate of 50 TPM (Thrusts per Minute) for 15 minutes, that's roughly 750 Thrusts before he blows it.

750 Thrusts X 12 inches = 750 Feet of cock moving through the vaginal opening every time intercourse takes place.

Three times a week, 52 weeks / year = 22.16 Miles of Cock every year. Now if we adjust that proportionally according to diameter* that is the equivalent of 234,009.6 miles of Cock Every year.

The life if a tire IF YOU'RE LUCKY can be 50,000 miles. Starting at age 20 and ending at 50 (a conservative estimate, I am sure there are those of you who started earlier than 20, and will continue on past 50), in your life time you could receive up to 7,020,288 miles of dick.

Way to go girls! No tire can get mileage like that.

*Adjusting for diameter is a proportion based on the Circumference of a tire compared to the circumference of the vaginal opening. Don't ask where I got the numbers, you don't want to know that I actually researched this....

Have a nice day. :)

current mood: relieved

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Tuesday, April 23rd, 2002
1:17 pm - Why???????
Two tests tomorrow - music and anthropology. Screwed on both counts. English paper due Friday. Almost done. Women's Studies research paper due May 6. Exams. Final editing for literary magazine tonight. Take it to printer's Friday. ARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


that is all. good day.

current mood: FRANTIC

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Saturday, April 13th, 2002
9:54 pm - A cute story
et Yourself Some Girlfriends...

Young and newly married, I relaxed under a pecan tree on a hot Texas summer
day, drinking iced tea and getting to know my new sister-in-law, Estelle.

Not much older than I, but already the mother of three, Estelle seemed to
me experienced and wise. "Get yourself some girlfriends" she advised,
clinking the ice cubes in her glass. "You are going to need girlfriends. Go
places with them; do things with them."

What a funny piece of advice, I thought. Hadn't I just gotten married?

Hadn't I just joined the couple-world? I was a married woman, for goodness
sake, not a young girl who needed girlfriends.

But I listened to this new sister-in-law. I got myself some girlfriends.

As the years tumbled by, one after another, gradually I came to understand
that Estelle knew what she was talking about. I remembered that she had
said the word "girlfriends" with emphasis. As I went along, I discovered
the subtle difference between friends and girlfriends.

You go to work with friends, go to dinner with friends, go to church with
friends, belong to clubs with friends. You send friends greeting cards.

You need friends in your life; all girlfriends were once only friends.

But a girlfriend is different. I offer this praise of girlfriends.

Here is what I know about girlfriends:

Girlfriends don't compete.
Girlfriends bring casseroles and scrub your bathroom when you are sick.

Girlfriends keep your children, and keep your secrets.
Girlfriends give advice when you ask for it. Sometimes you take it,
sometimes you don't.
Girlfriends don't always tell you that you're right, but they're always

Girlfriends still love you, even when they don't agree with your choices.

Girlfriends might send you a birthday card, but they might not. It does not
matter in the least.

Girlfriends laugh with you and you don't need canned jokes to start the

Girlfriends don't talk about you behind your back.
Girlfriends pull you out of jams.
Girlfriends don't keep a calendar that lets them know who hosted the other
Girlfriends will give a party for your son or daughter when they get
married or have a baby in whichever order that comes!

And girlfriends are there for you, in an instant and truly, when the hard
times come.

Girlfriends listen when you lose a job or a husband.
Girlfriends listen when your children break your heart.
Girlfriends listen when your parents' minds and bodies fail.

My girlfriends bless my life. Once we were young, with no idea of the
incredible joys or the incredible sorrows that lay ahead. Nor did we know
how much we would need each other. I want to tell younger women to take my
sister-in-law's advice. Get yourself some girlfriends. You are going to
need them!

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6:59 pm - As you wish....
As per Leslie's request, I shall now update my long-neglected journal. :)

Let's see...where to start....

School sucks. I'm so tired of doing work, of doing just what needs to be done, and nothing more. Here is my schedule for the next 4 weeks:

April 25 - music test, anthropology test
April 26 - English paper due; finished! literary magazine due at the printers'
May 6 - 8-page Women's Studies research paper due; 8:30 a.m. English final
May 7 - Anthropology final

Here's what I've done so far: NOTHING. I haven't started either paper (though I've been thinking about them extensively, nothing is on paper yet), I haven't started studying for any of those tests. The magazine is making good progress, which is good, because it is going to kill me. I really hate people sometimes. Our editors last semester didn't do shit, leaving us (me and Laurel) with more than 6 months' worth of mail, phone messages to be returned, 2-year old checks to deposit, etc. Not to mention all the general organizational things, a magazine to produce in half the normal amount of time, drawers full of junk, an office that's only half ours (damn newspaper people! damn them all to the depths of hell!!!), computer programs I don't understand, budgets I don't understand, and all this stuff to take care of before we go home for the summer. This would all be possible, if we had a supportive staff to help us with the reading, and decision-making about what to produce. But attendance at weekly meetins has been sparse, to say the least. If they don't like what Laurel and I chose, they can shove it. Mark my words: this will never happen again! I will be editor until I graduate, and it will be the best organization on campus. People will be clamboring to join. OK....I'm better now, I swear.

Needless to say, I'm a bit stressed. Everything else is going great. I feel I have made some forward steps in my life, after writing my Declaration last week. I'm determined to not be taken advantage of. I want to surround myself with people who love and support me, and who understand that I love and support them, no questions asked. Everyone else be damned. I am who I am, and I'm not afraid of that.

Things with Stephen are still wonderful, as always. :) He's such a sweetheart. We could very easily fall in love. I am his Reflection, and he is mine. He's been so supportive and has kept me from going completely fucking nuts these last few weeks. I wake up every day and want to know more about him. I want everything. I want to be with him. Plain and simple. This thing between us is very strong; and there's definitely chemistry, as evidenced by our rendezvous 2 weeks ago.....

There's one cloud that's been hanging over me. It started when I began research for my women's studies paper. The title is "Rape: Realities and Representations". My basic point is that the media, and the ridiculous laws in each state prevent women from reporting rape. The media presents it as a very random, very violent crime. In reality, 90% of rapes go unreported; 60% of those are date or acquaintance rape, that occurred either in the home of the victim or the attacker. Women look at the media, and say, "That's not what happened to me, so it wasn't rape." Not to mention the fact that in states like Tennessee, a corroborative witness is necessary to secure a conviction against an accussed rapist. In cases of date/acquaintance rape, it's so easy to fall into stereotypes: she asked for it, she instigated it, she didn't say no, look at the way she dressed....which is why women will not report someone they know.

All of this has really made me think about exactly what it was that happened last summer. I am a statistic. The definition of rape, the line that gets crossed, can be very blurry sometimes. I said no not because I had changed my mind, but because I was in pain. My requests were ignored. Rape isn't about sex; it's about power. Sometimes it's not obvious at all. It can be a direct result of mental and emotional manipulation. I was taken advantage of, by someone I trusted with my life, because I didn't know about sex. I was ignorant. Was it rape? Maybe. I'm not sure. Either way, it is a painful reality to look at the statistics and realize the parallels to my own situation. And then to question myself about why I didn't do anything, why I didn't even realize what was happening until months later.

So I suppose that's it for me, at the moment. I really should get started on these papers.....but knowing my powers of procrastination, I'll end up leaving it for tomorrow. Blah blah blah. Have I mentioned that school sucks? :) Anyway....

Take care. Enjoy the update. :) Don't be strangers.

current mood: apathetic

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Friday, April 5th, 2002
9:11 pm - Hear ye, hear ye....
This is the rough draft of my own personal Declaration of Independence. This is a representation of who I am, what I believe, and why. It's not done yet, but these are the basic premises:

I am not afraid of being hurt.
I am not afraid of being vulnerable.
I am not afraid of being happy.
I am not afraid of taking risks.
I am not afraid of my sexuality and my desires.
I am not afraid of making mistakes - I will learn invaluable things from them.
I am not afraid of being wrong.
I am not afraid of being humbled.
I am not afraid to trust.
I am not fragile.
I am not afraid of living.

I believe in the good in people.
I believe in love.
I believe in soulmates.
I believe in me.
I believe in my strength.
I believe in communication.
I believe everything happens for a reason.
I believe in fairness.

I dont believe in tolerance. I believe in acceptance.
I dont keep secrets. I dont play games.
I dont give up on anyone.
I dont care what you think.

I know what I want.
I deserve the best.
I learn something every day.
I trust my intuition.
I love unconditionally.
I belong only to me; its all I need.
If I dont understand, I will try until I do. I ask the same in return.
I have the right to say what I think.
My body is my temple.
Kisses are sacred; dont abuse them.

I am a bitch, and proud of it.
I am the only person in control of my life.
I am entitled to any emotion, any mood, at any time or place.
I am not a selfish person.
I am a woman. Its not an excuse, its a reason.
I am beautiful.
I am patient.
I am passionate.
I am complicated, but not hard to understand.
I am capable of taking care of myself.

I will not tolerate being lied to.
I will not settle for anything less than what I deserve.
I will not feel sorry for myself.
I will not give up.
I will not conform.
I will never stop growing.
I will always try.
I will not be serious all the time.
I will always follow my heart.
I will not deny my feelings.

You will respect me.
You will not invalidate my experiences.
If you dont get it - just ask.
Never underestimate me.
You will not try to change me.
No matter how hard you try, you will not break me.
Dont question me.
Dont assume.

I will sacrifice everything for my friends.
I will sacrifice everything for what I believe in.
I will make my own choices.
I will accept responsibility for my actions.
I will always overcome.
I will trust and respect you until you give me a reason not to.
I will support my friends. I expect the same in return.

Learning is screwing up. Its also about putting everything aside and exchanging ideas with other people.
Friendship is more important than romance.
Talk is not cheap.

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Thursday, March 21st, 2002
12:52 pm - Um....quoi?
So last night I talked to Rob, for the first time since our blow-out last October. (He wrote to apologize....he doesn't remember why he even got upset.....but I do.) I suppose things are cool, albeit this thing is a little odd. Whatever. I won't go out of my way, but if he wants to talk to me, I won't be a bitch about it.

Chuck will be here soon....we're going to Bush (as in Gavin Rossdale, total British hottie) tonight.

And Stephen is damn sexy. I'm going fucking nuts, and there's nothing I can do about it. It gets worse every time we talk...I want him. Damn everything else.

Must play more Freecell now....

current mood: bouncy

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Sunday, March 17th, 2002
5:20 pm - That's me, curled up in the corner
I'm feeling somewhat bi-polar at the moment. On one hand, I'm drunk and delirious with happiness and desire, and on the other, I'm frustrated as hell.

I'm frustrated because of The Lullwater Review, our literary magazine, of which I am now co-editor. Our editors last semester did absolutely nothing, and now I'm stuck with a year's worth of letters ("where's my poetry???" "HOW THE FUCK SHOULD I KNOW??"), submissions, and deadlines. I spent more than 3 hours in the office today, going through mail, and trying to get things organized. It's a mess, and I'm not happy about it. In fact, I'm getting quite bitchy about the whole thing. Believe me, once I'm done, this thing will be in top shape. Nothing like this will happen again, as long as I'm running this.

But on a much happier note.....spring break was good. I spent a few days in NYC, then a few in Philly. Shopped, ate, saw some shows, went to Ground Zero, Central Park, Metropolitan Museum of Art, Empire State Building, Liberty Bell, Independence Hall, more shopping....good stuff :)

And on a MUCH happier note....things are going well in other areas. I've never desired anything the way I desire this thing right now. He makes me feel things I've never felt; it shouldn't be legal! My pride has never allowed me to be vulnerable like this. I'm completely his, if he wants me, and I know he does. Talking to him makes me weak....I am weak....and he knows it....this could get interesting.....


Suppose I should start working on that dreaded English paper now.....

current mood: a little bit of everything

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Saturday, March 9th, 2002
3:24 am - Bon voyage to me!
I'm waiting for my cab to the airport. Have a wonderful week!!!!!! I miss everyone, and hope to hear from you all when I get back on Friday. I love you all!!!!!

current mood: awake

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Wednesday, March 6th, 2002
10:21 pm - And the monotony continues
I have become very apathetic as of late. This is not good. All I want to do is sleep, or talk on IM. I no longer care about studying. I'm taking easy classes, and I should be getting all A's. But I'm not. Why? Because I don't care. I never move forward, I never reach my goals. Everything just is. I get up every day, go to class, do the bare minimum, and repeat. I have no idea what I'm supposed to be striving for, but I somehow doubt monotony is it. How do I get myself motivated? I should spend less time in this fucking room, for starters. This is where all the distractions are. I've promised myself that after break, I will do whatever it takes to start over. If you see me online, feel free to ask me what in the fuck I'm doing. And I don't give a satisfactory answer, feel free to severly reprimand me.

I'm leaving early Saturday morning to spend a week in New York with my mom for spring break. :) Yet another reason why I've been so apathetic this week (despite the fact that I have a killer anthropology midterm tomorrow...) - it's the week before break. I haven't mentioned Stephen to my parents yet, and I don't think I'm going to....even though I truly adore him. I got a letter from him, with a nifty Tool sticker, as well as the shirt he ordered for me yesterday. Very happy. :) He's such a sweetie, and this thing between us grows more and more intriguing every day. I think the anticipation might kill me. It's amazing to me to see how well we've gotten to know each other in such a short amount of time. Yet it makes me so happy to know how much more we have left to learn. I'm truly looking forward to getting to know him even more, and seeing what the universe has in store for us.

I suppose I'll try to write now. It seems to be the only thing I have left....and even that's debatable at times...

current mood: worried

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Sunday, March 3rd, 2002
2:47 pm
I feel like shit. Ethical questions abound. What's the difference between lying, and not telling the whole truth? Where's the line? How do you decide who needs to know what? And all this because one person won't make their intentions clear. Well, dammit, I will.

Fuck. I should be studying.

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Wednesday, February 27th, 2002
11:50 pm - Hugs!!!
Thank you. It means the world to me to have reassurance every now and then. I will never let anything or anyone stand in the way of what's truly important - friends. I love you with all my heart.

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Tuesday, February 26th, 2002
10:03 pm - Out with the old
OK. Here's how this fucking works. As a friend, I offer unconditional love and support, at all times, under any circumstances. Normally, I would take it very personally if someone did not take advantage of it, in fact, threw that offer back in my face. But not anymore. I make it very clear that I am always available for my friends. If you choose not to give me the same courtesy, then we're not friends. If you blatantly disregard and disrespect me, as a person, and as a friend, then we're definitely not friends. If you stand me up, more than once, cancel plans for no reason, screen my calls, and don't offer me the courtesy of doing the one little thing I ask, which is to give me back the things I lent you that belong to ME, then we have a serious problem.

Everyone takes responsbility for himself/herself. I am more than willing to accept my share in the blame game for mistakes I've made. And I'm more than willing to stand by my friends as they make their mistakes, no matter what the circumstances. But...if you want to willingly fuck up your own life, that's your business. I will not try and stop you. So stop pretending that I don't know what's going on and start facing yourself. If you're ashamed to face me, how do you look at yourself in the mirror?

current mood: bitchy

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Sunday, February 24th, 2002
11:27 pm - What tangled webs we weave....
The situation with Stephen has only become more intriguing as time goes by. :) I really really like him. We've talked so much the last few days (4 hours on the phone last night), it's amazing. I enjoy listening to him, and learning what he is passionate about. Last night, we didn't even notice that all that time had passed; there were no awkward silences at all. I think it's interesting, because it's easy to have great conversations online - it's very anonymous, and inhibitions can be so easily forgotten. But when you can have those same conversations on the phone with someone you've never met...I think that says a lot. He has so many positive attributes that I generally look for. For starters, he's hilarious! And very smart, and honest, he writes poetry, and he does laundry and cooks, he loves his family and repects his parents, and I can tell him anything. I'm sending him pictures in the mail this week, of me before Dooley's Ball on Friday. I wore the dress I wore for New Year's this year, for those of you who have seen it. :) But I love that this isn't based on physical. I think people are much more attractive when you know them well, and they have a great personality, and we're definitely getting to that point. It's all happened so fast! But I don't care - I am having so much fun just talking to him. I hate that there's such a stigma to meeting people online, because it's not true at all. Just because that's where we met doesn't mean he's a creep. I'm not weird, and I meet people online. I find it especially ironic that my entire life, I've dated guys that were friends for a long time beforehand, or that I grew up with....and it never works out. And now, I meet someone online, through a very random set of circumstances, and it's working out beautifully. I love waking up every day not knowing where life will lead....life is so beautifully random.

In other areas, my life is pretty boring. School is the same old, same old. My first wind ensemble concert is this week, so my parents and brother are coming down Friday. I leave in 2 weeks for New York, for spring break. I'm really excited about that trip. :) I made a B+ on my first English paper, but I fear I won't be as fortunate on the next one. Had my first Music test this week...I totally blanked on the ID section, but other than that, I think I did OK. I'm looking forward to having a break. I haven't been getting enough sleep, and am running on empty sometimes, as far as motivation goes.

I leave you with a quote, the simple words that have changed my life, and that dictate my every breath and action:
"Celebrate this chance to be alive and breathing."
(Tool, "Parabola")

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Saturday, February 16th, 2002
11:57 pm - Done deals and such
Well, I told Chris about Stephen. It was relevant to the conversation, I promise - I wasn't trying to be a bitch. :) I was explaining why I no longer believe in coincidence, or accidents. EVERYTHING, no matter how seemingly mundane or pointless, is connected. I didn't go into any details (how sexy his voice is, how I really want him, how we connect on so many levels....no need to rub it in, right?), but I told him that we had talked a lot, and I like him, and he's not creepy like Jason. Tanya wanted to know what his reaction was. I responded by saying we'll see how long it takes him to call back. :)

I'm not a bad person, and I hate feeling like I have to choose between people in my life. But Chris had a chance. I simply didn't dwell on him, like he told me to, and I happened to meet someone really wonderful along the way. He honestly couldn't expect that I would wait for him forever. I have more pride and sense than that. Either we're seeing each other or we're not, and from what I understood, we're not. No point in hanging on to what never was.

So bring it on. I've still got my magic touch.....

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